Destruction in the Northeast United States following Hurricane Sandy, October 2012. This, all of this, is just going to be a part of life from here on out, the entire nation now understands. The Onion

NEW YORK, 31 October 2012 (The Onion) – Following Hurricane Sandy’s destructive tear through the Northeast this week, the nation’s 300 million citizens looked upon the trail of devastation and fully realized, for the first time, that this is just going to be something that happens from now on.

Gradually comprehending that this sort of thing is now just a fact of life, citizens all across America stared blankly at images of destroyed homes, major cities paralyzed by flooding, and ravaged communities covered in debris, and finally acknowledged that this, apparently, is now a regular part of the human experience.

“Oh, I see—this is just going to be how it is from here on out,” said New York City resident Brian Marcello, coming to terms with the fact that an immense storm that cripples mass transit systems and knocks out power for millions in the nation’s largest metropolitan area can no longer be regarded as an isolated, freak incident, and will henceforth be just a normal thing that happens. “Hugely destructive weather events are going to keep happening, and they are going to get worse and worse, and living through them is something that will be a part of all our lives from now on, whether we like it or not.”

“I get it now,” Marcello added.

Faced with the prospect of long months before any of the widespread damage is truly repaired, the millions who reside along the Eastern Seaboard told reporters today they fully understood, for the first time, that natural disasters killing scores of Americans and costing billions of dollars are going to be routine events, not just in the immediate foreseeable future, but permanently.

Sources added that by early Wednesday morning, it abruptly occurred to millions more citizens that the news stories they’ve been seeing that feature displaced families, photos of debris, shut-down businesses, and government relief efforts have already started to feel “extremely familiar,” because these are things that happen now.

“I was just watching a CNN news story about how much damage Sandy has caused in comparison to Katrina, Ike, or last year’s storm that ravaged the Northeast, and it dawned on me: ‘Ah, okay, being a human being on Planet Earth, pretty much no matter where you are, now involves the threat of one day having your home, city, or country decimated in a matter of hours by a severe weather event,’” Detroit resident Stacy Hillman said. “Looking at images of cities—actual American fucking cities—flooded with water is no longer an incredibly weird, unprecedented thing to see. It has happened before, it happened this week, and it will continue to happen again and again in the future, and to an even greater extent.”

“So, then, I guess that what it means to be a member of human civilization has changed forever, pretty much,” Hillman added. “And that this is the new world we live in.” […]

Nation Suddenly Realizes This Just Going To Be A Thing That Happens From Now On via Ketsugami


  1. rpauli said...

    Whew... thank goodness this appeared in the Onion and not the NYTimes or CNN.  

  2. Anonymous said...

    My first thought after reading the title headline was "No they won't".

    I don't think Americans can identify with a massive storm and climate change yet -- they're too brainwashed. Fox News just had a clown on (twice) "proving" that this was not related to climate change, using long-discredited arguments as his "evidence".

    It will take much more then Sandy to convince the mindless zombies. It'll take a Lucifer at least.  

  3. Steve From Virginia said...

    Sadly, most Americans believe the opposite. "It cannot happen here!"

    By the time Americans figure it out, it will be too late (if it isn't already ...)

    What to do:

    - throw out the TV.

    - Drive the car to the junkyard and watch it shredded.

    - Adapt to no car or TV. Those are the first big steps.


  4. Frank said...

    Oh my, the sky is falling!!! LOL
    Get over it people.

    Disasters happen when nature collides with "civilization". I'm sure the people of Pompeii thought the view was great!  

  5. KLR said...

    Hey Jim, you realize The Onion is satirical news, right? Usually their headlines are obviously jokes, stuff like "'I Am Under 18' Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet" or "Black Guy Asks Nation For Change." Sometimes they're subtle enough to fool casual readers, or even governments: Iranian News Agency Rips Off Satirical Onion Report - ABC News.

    Just a little FYI. Thanks for all your work over the years.  

  6. Jim said...

    Oh yes, loves me some The Onion. But I will admit that I swallowed the Bill Nye story at The Daily Currant, hook, line, and sinker.  

  7. Doobs said...

    "Mindless zombies"?
    I can never change your mind by arguing a point here, but time will show that you were terribly mistaken. I’ll have to wait it out.

    The truth is that the mindless zombies are people like you are so concerned about a non-problem. Have you studied the data? Seen plots of ocean rise stay constant back long before the industrial revolution? Oceans have been rising for hundreds of years. Climategate emails proved that the scientists cannot attribute any change in rate due to global warming, “as disappointing as this conclusion may be”

    The climate scare is essentially well-intentioned do-gooders co-opted by selfish opportunists.


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